Here’s to another eventful episode of El Bachelor. The girls are 11 in number and Juan Pablo is forced by the producers to cut his true love chances down to only 8 women. It’s a tough job, but the glazed look that comes over Juan Pablo’s face means he’s the right man for the job. We are no currently finished with week 5. Why is this a big deal? Because the girls have had plenty of time to show themselves off, take turns stirring the gossip pot and perfect the act of sneaking kisses. Most would find this boring and uneventful to watch. I, however, see it as an opportunity that provides the hallowed service of bestowing nicknames. Not every woman is privy to such an honor…not yet at least. But so far let’s take a look at those who do.
Old Renee – Why is called old you ask? It’s because she’s the same age as Juan Pablo thus making her the oldest woman in the house. Everyone else seems to be fresh out of Junior College or at least that’s the age ABC gave them. Either way, Old Renee told those producers where they can stick it and chose to go on the show sporting her true age. Old Renee was the recipient of the first Juan-on-Juan date which resulted in them walking through a city in Vietnam, creeping out the local children and stopping to have Old Renee get fitted for a Vietnamese dress. My heart could hardly take it after this point (sarcasm)). Juan then had a nice romantic dinner for two waiting on them and afterwards it became comical because their conversation turned to why Juan Pablo could not kiss her because she had a son, however, any of the women who did not they were fair game.
Clingy Clare – This name should be self explanatory. She is extremely territorial on this show, always having to be around Juan Pablo wherever he is. She is here to win! It comes desperate on camera as if she had a player’s only meeting with the girls to say, “Ladies, I need this. Look at me….I NEEEED THIS.“ She’s not here to make friends. She just wants her rose, her man and a nice Merlot. She’s the type that I could see winning this competition and then shortly after getting dumped because she would constantly be calling Juan Pablo when they are not together. CLINGY.
*Doorman Danielle – Alas, her nickname was realized the very same episode where she was sent packing. I made the joke on twitter (@thementalvacay) that I have this fan theory where she was merely the person holding the door for the other girls as they were leaving the airport to meet Juan and Danielle saw that Lucy had forgotten her shoes near the baggage claim and was running to the limo to give them back and she was mistakenly forced into the limo and onto this show. Her exit interview said it all when she wasn’t really feeling the connection between she and Juan Pablo.
Fun Fact: she was also a nurse besides Nurse Nikki, but much like Highlander, there can be only one.
Nurse Nikki – She can be summed up by this picture:
Another fan theory: She is a nurse by complete accident. She actually thought she was going to fortune-telling school (yeah, there’s a school for that in her mind) and wouldn’t you know, two years into it she realizes the truth and just decides to go with it. I’d like to think she still attempts in her spare time to try and predict the future. Again, see the picture. Nikki gets the second Juan-on-Juan date, which leads to some delicious jealousy seeds being planted by Andi (we’ll get to her in a moment). What does Juan have in store for them….a nice romantic time repelling down into a cave that was perfectly pre-lit for their descent and even had a walkway at the bottom as if to say, “You could’ve just taken this path the WHOLE TIME!” In the end, Nurse Nikki’s future predicting skills were correct and she did receive a rose. But not before giving this tasty quote:
Slap-A-Hoe Andi – Why does she have such a name? It came as a result of her talking head interview after Clingy Clare got the group date rose and Nurse Nikki got the call for the Juan-on-Juan date. A girl can only take some much ammiright??? So Andi’s jealous and angry side came out just so we at home are aware of what Juan is in store for if he chooses her. I can picture the cover of US magazine now:
Bachelor contestant beats leading man within an inch of his life. Represents herself in court.
She’s the one you actually want to see fight another girl on the show just to see how many hair extensions she’s able to pull out in one try. Slap away Andi. Slap away.
Crazy Eye Kelly – This is another one that should be self explanatory. Here, let me show you:
I know there is probably a sad story to why she’s got the crazy eye, but I’m not worried about that. She should find it an honor to have a nickname bestowed upon her. Thus, we press on. Simply put, crazy eye Kelly is CRAAAZZZY! She’s a consistent pot stirrer and so far has delivered two of the best quotes this show has seen. The other one being this:
She needs to remain on this show just for comedic value alone. Sure, she won’t win, but who’s to say she can’t become Juan Pablo’s consiglieri, vetting the girls before they are able to approach him and being able to “truth-tell” anything about them she thinks Juan Pablo needs to hear. That’s a whole nother show on it’s own! You’re welcome ABC.
The rest of the show was pretty decent. Clare and Juan Pablo did everything but say out loud that they had sex, speaking in riddles and obscurities. Juan’s way of arguing as a couple is just repeating the phrases; “Look at me” and “Are you ok?” over and over. He could’ve simply just said that they moved to fast and need to slow it down, but nope. That’s not Juany’s style. It was awkward for Clare but even more awkward for us at home. Hope she doesn’t leave the show though because I drafted her and she’s a gold mine for crazy points!
Doorman Danielle, Alli and Crazy Eye Kelly all got sent packing last night. It’s sad, not because they deserved to win or anything, but because they had good nicknames and now I have to think of more for the other ladies. Guess that gives me something to write about next week.
Here’s the breakdown of the Bachelor Fantasy League thus far: