BFL Recap – Week 5

   Off to New Not Mexico! At least everyone but Megan understands where they are going……to the luxurious Buffalo Thunder Casino in New Mexico, not to be confused with the actual Mexico. The fact that I’m 35 words into this write up and am having to explain the difference between New Mexico and Mexico saddens me on the caliber of ladies from this season. They are not the shiniest (not counting their dresses) bunch of ladies, but alas, they are all we have to enjoy on The Bachelor. But then again, there’s this…
   Glad I didn’t draft her. Whew…
Carly is not that much smarter than Megan, but she managed to fake intelligence in front of Chris long enough to grab the one-on-one date. Chris and Carly then proceeded to enjoy the lovely and soothing couples therapy provided by a Native American Love Guru. To which Chris said something to the affect of:
 This love guru knows the secrets of love and if she can’t pull that out of us then I don’t know if Carly is the one for me.

   That’s right Chris. The true love you are seeking can only be authenticated by a love guru from the prestigious Buffalo Thunder Casino. She made the couple perform several more uncomfortable exercises that I will try to simply bullet for you rather than describe in detail.
tantric humming: Pitch Perfect, these two are not. Chris is a bad harmonizer which leads me to question if he’s here for the right reasons…I’m kidding of course, but I don’t know how Carly could focus on pretending to more intelligent than she actually was with his off-key humming in her ear. Bless her heart.
– light petting: I fully expected preview footage of 50 Shades of Grey to pop up on the love guru’s portable boom box or something. Similar to the product push of Cinderella last episode. This was an opportunity missed. This would’ve been a no-brainer. I should take a consulting job with ABC….
– blindfolded taste-testing: This was as awkward as it reads. Don’t believe me? Look at Carly’s skills below.

*Record Scratch*

   Wait a minute…the couple has been duped. The tantric lady wasn’t a “love guru” but a SEX GURU the whole time! Oh ABC Producers….you got us…and them! How could they not have known that? She was showing all of the major signs; creepy flute music, inappropriate first date touching, food and a weirdly soothing voice that is coaching and not participating. Ugghhhh.
   All of this served some sort of purpose though. Because it gave us one of the best moments pre-kiss on The Bachelor so far. To give you some perspective, my counterpart on The Mental Vacation, Oliver Michels, has one of the best Fan Theories about kissing I have ever heard explained. Let me try and paraphrase for you. 
      There is a specific moment right before a couple kisses where they are extremely close to one another and in order to soften the awkwardness of that closeness, usually words are spoken just before the lips touch. Now in the moment, these words are perfectly natural and fine. The two people are sharing a moment and within that they need to express how close this intimate action is bringing them. 

   A perfect example of this; 
       He whispers to her as they draw nearer towards each other, “It was always you I wanted to kiss.” 
        BUT, there is another side of this experience. It occurs when you are not exactly in the moment, but still are near enough to overhear said moment. You would hear that same line above and completely burst into laughter at how cheesy it sounded because it’s not towards you and not even for you. 

   Which brings me to one of those moments involving Chris and Carly on this already awkward first date. To paint the scene, Chris and Carly are having to just embrace each other for a period of time and are encouraged by the Buffalo Thunder Casino Sex Guru to whisper encouraging things to each other. Simple words are spoken. Nothing fancy. But then as they become more comfortable in this situation, the words get more sensual and more-whispier (you read that right). This happened all the way up until we received this gem from our Bachelor…
   Just a parting thought on Carly before I move on. She is making a run for Jade as the lead simpleton of the house. She’s really Chris’ type, which if you haven’t figured out by now is SIMPLE. Jade, be looking over your shoulder because Simple Carly (nicknamed TBD later) is coming for you. From there, the episode just keeps descending down into the craziest possible scenarios you could imagine. For the sake of time, I will bullet these as well:
1) Kelsey is a widow! 

      WHAT THE HECK??? Did anyone see that coming? This reeks of the producers meddling with her story to make it compelling. And don’t even get me started on her delivery! How awkward was it watching her try and remember just HOW her husband died??? I mean, you shouldn’t forget something like that right? RIGHT????? AMMIRIGHT?????? 
       So let me better understand this….this season of The Bachelor is made up almost entirely of virgins and widows? You might scoff, but I’m pretty right on this. Is there just a shortage of contestants for these shows? Why? How can we fix this, because I want need this show to continue for another 30 years. The second part to this, does the virgin/widow mix keep me from watching? The short and simple answer is: NO. No it doesn’t. In fact, it makes me want to see it MORE! 
      This brings me to Kelsey herself. WOW, is she not the best ever? Not only because I drafted her, but let’s just breakdown what she managed to accomplish in this past episode; she dropped a #widowbomb, she kept her crazy level at Defcon 1…
Sidebar: Have you seen that show snapped? It’s freaky especially if you have a significant other. I swear I’ve seen my wife watching and taking notes. I’m getting shivers and looking over my shoulder as I write this. Watching Kelsey can do that to a person.

    FAN THEORY (suggested by Oliver): Kelsey, because her lack of recollection of what actually killed her husband, is viewed at having poisoned her husband. This is the darkest of the dark timelines, but there is something subtle in that suggestion that is very believable.

    Continuing with Kelsey’s list: she also managed to put the house on blast by sitting them all down and telling them that she’s sad because one of them is going home tonight (after her connection with Chris earlier about her dead husband). That’s a boss move and I’m not mad at it. To finish up the madness, Kelsey also engaged in a master class of how to fake a mental breakdown pre-rose ceremony….again….like a boss! I’m not an expert, but if I needed to fake a freak out, I would try to mimic her breathing pattern too, because she was clearly in complete control. 
UPDATE: After going to great lengths discussing the matter of Kelsey and her dead husband on the BFL’s Facebook Chat (1. Yes, we have one. 2. It’s called Burning Love), one of our BFL faithfuls, Steph, decided to do a deep dive on this entire situation and found it to be………..TRUE!!!! She wasn’t making it up. In fact, her husband was an accomplished European musician and did in fact pass away. WHAT THE HECK RIGHT????? I’m still dumbfounded by this, but it only makes me love Kelsey more. Crazy on girl……crazy on. 


        She claimed that she drove straight from Colorado just to see if she could have another shot with Chris because her drunken self realized that they got off on the wrong foot, etc. When she was explaining this, all I heard was “blah, blah, blah.” From a BFL standpoint, I was happy she was back because I was racking up the points from this episode, however, you can’t take that situation seriously on any level. Full Disclosure: I tried to tweet Chris Harrison if he let their filming location slip to Jordan in order to craft this moment. So far, no reply, but I’m not worried. He’ll get back to me….
        Needless to say, her return didn’t last long because very quickly there was a chill that came over the ladies about Jordan that Chris just couldn’t ignore. He had to send her packing again. This time, sober as a judge. Secretly, I was hoping she was just their to replenish her mini-bar because she has a problem, but alas, she was there for true love. Boring. 
        Jordan’s return led to Ashley I. becoming extremely threatened and trying to turn the house collectively against Jordan and Chris’ entertainment of such a crazy notion. She definitely appeared nervous and rattled and frankly, that kind of behavior is extremely unattractive, but points to my girl Whitney for very calmly and maturely putting her in her place. However, we were still treated to this lovely face as a result…
3) Is Britt a hippie?

    She hasn’t showered in weeks, according to the other girls. She JUST shaved her legs just in time for her one-on-one date.
   Sidebar: What is up with the ladies and body hair this season? It’s getting to a weird place.
I think she hasn’t showered because she doesn’t want her makeup to ever be off….like EVER! I mean Chris woke her up and she’s sleeping in her makeup. Now, I’m not a girl, but I at least know that chicks do not do that. That moment was strange to begin with. Why did they have to wake up at 4am? Couldn’t they just charter a plane or helicopter and fly to their location???? what gives. I’m not sure if it was me or not, but I found Britt’s total amazement at a hot air balloon so off-putting. It’s hot air and a basket. I can understand the view, but she’s freaking out before they even get out of the Explorer.
Fan Theory: Chris likes Britt so much because she actually smells like a farm. She is the pigpen of the group and when she sits down I think they edit out the dust cloud out.
We officially have date coitus. After a beautiful date, Chris decided to take Britt back to his room and lay in the bed taking an “adult nap” 
aka C-O-I-T-U-S. First of the season…..let’s go! Now the real game can begin!
Rose Ceremony

   There was NO Cocktail party because Chris has already made up his mind about who needed to go home. 

   THEY ARE MESSING WITH PEOPLE THIS SEASON….and I cannot get enough of it. Looks like we will have to wait until next week to get a double dose of the send-them-home-packing-limo. This week was an excellent episode, but next week will be an even juicier one. 
   It’s getting to that point in the season where I like to dole out nicknames for the remaining contestants. The girls have earned them by being able to stay in the crazy house for this long. 
Whitney aka Banshee
Ashley I. aka Prozac Princess
Kelsey: aka Poison Ivy
Jade: aka Playboy Jade
Becca: aka Resting Face (as in Resting B***h Face)
Mackenzie: aka Bleep Blorp from the Tortuga Galaxy
Kaitlyn: aka Mardis Gras
Britt: aka dirty Britt
 Megan during the credits……..public school children. Public schools. She poses a good question though, “What happened to Old Mexico?”

   With the sad departure of Kevin’s team, we are now down to 6 teams still competing. We’ve had a lead change with Chris & Tell taking the lead due to Kelsey and Jordan bringing the crazy. It’s an interesting battle for last place, resulting in a tie currently. Hopefully, this next rose ceremony will fix that. Looking forward to next week’s episode…


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