Our patience has been rewarded…this week’s episode was not short on the drama, providing more than enough jaw-dropping moments, which I will get into shortly. BUT FIRST, a certain order of business…
I caught some flack from the BFL last week for forgetting to bestow a nickname upon Samantha. Right about now, your searching in your mind for who the heck I’m actually referring to. Here she is:
Yeah, did you actually still remember she was on the show? I didn’t think so. Hence, why she was forgotten by me. However, sticking true to my tradition, I must now give her a nickname…………….She will now be known as GOOD RIDDANCE on account of the fact that she got booted during the rose ceremony to start the episode.
I guess if I’m giving myself a nickname, I would have to be called: Clairvoyant because did I not see that coming or what? It’s almost as if I knew she would be kicked off in this episode and so why waste a perfectly good nickname on someone who’s not even going to be there to enjoy it? I might not have watched every season of this show, but I’m getting a pretty good sense of how it flows. Thus, Sarah or Stacy or whatever-your-name-is, GOOD RIDDANCE. We knew your time was up. You knew your time was up. Here’s hoping she bet on black on the way out of the Buffalo Thunder Resort and Casino (it never gets old typing that).
Alright, back to the actual episode…
Meanwhile in still New
Not Mexico…Kelsey is still in mid-breakdown attempting to get oxygen to her over-intelligent brain (her words, not mine).
Can I just take a minute and discuss how Kelsey is taking this show to another level? She is single-handedly messing with each and every girl in the house while maintaining her sanity in front of Chris. I’m just in awe of her greatness because she is clearly crazy and based on her profession I feel very sad for the Jr. College students coming to her for career advice and she’s on the other side of the desk simply smiling and saying, “Don’t worry, everything will be okay. You know why? Because I’m here, guiding you.”
If you’re reading this and are one of those students, RUN! Get up and run now! Go anywhere. Just leave. Kiss your mother, make sure your dog is fed and GO!
Back to Kelsey dominating….she’s doing it so much so that girls in the house issue threats:
If you’re a basketball fan, like myself, you remember when Michael Jordan ruled the game. He was dominant, fearless and brutal against his opponents not only going after them physically but getting inside their heads and breaking them down. Most people remember this Michael Jordan, but they don’t like to talk about what happened after. It was towards the end of his career, that Michael relied on that reputation to help put fear in the young up and comers in order to still be able to play with them. It wasn’t until a young Allen Iverson came along and showed us that even our heroes can be broken down, that people realized it was the end of an era.
Might not look like much, but this was the moment people realized that the Jordan era was coming to a close.
What does this have to do with Kelsey and the other housemates? Well, in this case, by Kelsey ultimately faking this breakdown, she is putting everyone that felt safe in the house on notice that: THIS SHOW AIN’T OVER UNTIL I LEAVE OR PUT A RING ON MY FINGER! She’s essentially crossing over and making the competition look completely stupid.
You might think I’m reaching on this???
You might be reading this going…
“Nah, I don’t get the basketball comparison…”
“He’s done better…”
Well, you might be right, however, I know I’m not far off because other than one other time (which will be discussed later) Kelsey’s plan of action caused Ashley I. to give us one of her top 2 breakdowns. The only thing missing from this one was some corn on the cob.
Now the internet can be a beautiful place because after this moment I cannot tell you how many conspiracy theorists came forward claiming that Ashley I. was a long lost Kardashian sister. They used many facial recognition software programs and previous employments (HINT: none) to infer that they indeed might be related.
Take Exhibit A for example:
I rest my case.
I also need to do a shout out to Frances Gilliam who on Twitter dropped the awesome nickname:
WOW! That is just amazing and only furthers the case that she is one of them due to how easy her name fits. Hmmmmm…..
Needless to say, that the beginning of the episode was dominated by both Kelsey and Ashley I. (foreshadowing) and in the wise words of Kaitlyn, “B****es Be Crazy.” Very true Kaitlyn….very true. If you’re keeping score at home, that makes not one but TWO GENIUS LINES given by Kaitlyn (see: Teeth Holder quote).
FAN SUGGESTION: They should rename this show: B****es Be Crazy. Either that or they do a whole webisode series around this premise. Maybe a Where are they now kinda thing. Just a suggestion.
Because of all this chaos the rose ceremony was rather tame. GOOD RIDDANCE and Bleep Blorp got sent home and neither one really made any fuss. I hate it for Mackenzie’s sake because she’s just a nut and no matter what she does I can never get this image out of my mind.
It was at this exact moment, I knew that she would be one of my favorites going forward. Alas, it didn’t last as long as it should have. I like to think that getting sent home is Mackenzie’s punishment for naming her son “KALE.” Farmer Chris was trying to send you a message:
Go home now so that you can enroll your son in karate classes because he’s going to be spending the rest of his life trying to fight off people that want to beat him up for being named: KALE.
On to Deadwood…
The one-on-one goes to Becca who quite frankly needs some alone time with Chris to even establish who the heck she actually is, but not only for him, but for us, the viewers, because aside from Samantha I completely forgot she was still here. Goes to show you her strategy was all wrong, playing the V-card so late did not help her. However, this date finally gives Resting Face a chance to show she’s human(ish) and win over Chris’ heart. The date goes well and they cut up and laugh together. This was a revelation because even when Resting Face is happy she can only manage to smile this much:
Since Bleep Blorp’s departure, she is now the one I turn my attention towards actually being an alien. Her face disturbs me.
Back at the house, the girls decide to finally confront Kelsey about her lack of sanity and how she might be manipulating Chris. Of course, Kelsey deflects by using big words and full sentences that confuse the other women into a stupor giving Kelsey enough time to escape into the confession booth and give us another gem of a quote (see below). But we all know that when something like this happens, it’s all just a matter of time before the group circles back again to take more bites out of their prey and eventually letting Chris in on what’s really going on.
The ladies, along with Chris, go into downtown Deadwood and meet up with Country Pop duo Big and Rich. Chris took a step back in my book because of this due to his love of County music. UGGHHH Some country can be good, but country POP??? No way! Good Lord, it’s the worst. But I digress… The ladies are then tasked with writing a short song to sing in front of the rest of the group, which plays perfectly into the talents of Cruise-ship-Carly who does this kind of thing for a semi-living.
Where this competition takes a turn for the funny, is when Jade is unable to write her feelings down into song and proceeds to use the phrase:
“To be honest, I’m a little on the struggle-bus.”
To which my thought after hearing that was how in the world did I not use the words struggle and bus in connection with each other before Playboy Jade? She kept talking to either Big or Rich, I’m not really sure which one was which and frankly don’t care, but all I could keep thinking about was the term, “struggle bus.”
What was the struggle bus like?
It sounds like something my 3yr old would say by accident.
Using those words together seem to make my problems seem not as bad.
Maybe public schooling isn’t bad after all…
Jade actually contributed to society by creating something useful.
How can I use this more in everyday conversation without getting laughed out of the room?
I’m going to attempt to use it at least 3 times today.
Where was I?????? Oh, right….the singing. To cut the tension and nerves, Chris went first and did pretty much as well as you’d expect if you have heard him talk (hint: badly). It was adorable though and the girls loved him putting himself out there.
: Did anyone catch the banjo man that accompanied them? Who the heck is this man? At this point, give him his own show because I’d rather watch that then any more of this Country Pop garbage. He looked like an old prospector that wandered onto the set by accident. I immediately thought of this sketch with Will Ferrell. Watch it. Just for the cast cracking up. It’s worth it.
BACHELOR SINGING REPORT CARD:
(in order of appearance)
Chris – D-
The banjo was really bad to sing with. Plus the fact that he’s not good at singing.
Britt – B+
She nailed it. The perfect mixture of shy, actual pitch and lovely words.
Whitney – C+
Timid=Awesome. This won Chris over despite not being perfect.
Kaitlyn – C-
She chose to go the West Coast Rap route. Can’t hate on it. Like her style.
Megan – D
She is so dumb. Has nothing to do with the singing, just an observation.
Carly – A-
Sang perfectly. Would’ve scored higher had she used the Fisher Price microphone from the limo meet n’ greet.
Jade – F+
Well…..at least she’s got her magazine picture career going for her ammiright? The timid card was already used by Whitney, but she put herself out there and Chris liked it.
PRO TIP: If you’re not following @Jillie_Alexis aka Jillian Anderson aka Peach Fuzz aka Butt Sasquatch DO SO NOW! Ever since her dismissal, she live tweets each episode and is absolutely hilarious with it. She calls out each girl for things they say or do. This week she called out Ashley I. for her ridiculous lipstick color, which was horrible and also made fun of Carly when she said she liked Chris’ singing. SHE DID NOT LIKE CHRIS’ SINGING. Believe it.
As a result of the singing contest, Britt got a rose (whoopee) where she was whisked away to a Big and Rich concert with Prince Farming. This was weird from the start and I couldn’t help but wonder how ABC managed to keep all of those people quiet about the date. There were people clearly behind them as Chris and Britt were kissing taking video. What happened to the footage? Does the NSA now have it?
Sorry, I feel like this episode caused more questions than answers.
THE 2-ON-1 DATE
The Scene: The Badlands
Parties Involved: Kelsey, Ashley I. and Chris
Objects: Just a canopy lounge bed in the middle of nowhere
From the very beginning, this was strange. First, The Badlands?? I would want to go there as much as I would want to go to Michigan! They try to make the best of it, but it just ends up being each girl going off with Chris on their own. Ashley I. proceeded to do what she does best…..make out (poorly) first, talk second. She then did a Rookie mistake and started bashing the other girl on the date. I understand her rationale because it was clear now or never moment, but as being that girl who decides to try and break the truth to Chris about someone else, you are making yourself become associated with the drama that follows because you are the cause of it. It’s a very Rookie thing to do and I’ve seen it work and also backfire. In this case, it was both.
When it’s Kelsey’s alone time with Chris, she starts dropping #wifelines that she’s ready to be a wife for him because she already knows what it feels like and that she is ready for their life together, etc. Very hard and fast words for a “simple” Chris. He begins to share with her what Ashley I. said all to the surprise of Kelsey. I’ve got to hand it to her because Kelsey handled herself like a champ when she could’ve just gone off the rails about the whole situation. In fact, she probably created one of the most iconic moments this season as a result;
Ughhhhhh….I get shivers just looking at that picture. It was terrifying to watch. I don’t like Ashley I. in the least, but they were in the middle of nowhere, a place where her body could’ve been buried and none would’ve been the wiser. Look at that face above……..she could do it. She could kill a person.
Ashley’s response was catty of course, but she did drop a quick #truthbomb. Did anyone catch it? Apparently during their argument, Ashley claimed that both Kelsey and Ashley had their Master’s degrees and that Kelsey was not in fact smarter than her (debatable). This caused me to go on a deep dive of Ashley Iaconetti. She got her Master’s from Syracuse University (compared to Kelsey’s University of Texas at Austin), currently works in New Jersey as a freelance journalist (aka blogger) and interned at an ABC affiliate in Syracuse (hmmmmm conspiracy????)
I understand there might have been more going on in this moment between these two, but I could not get past the idea that both of these women, in particular Ashley, have their Master’s. Who employs these crazies? I mean I am genuinely afraid for the people Kelsey sees on a day to day basis, but Ashley I. strikes me as being the crazy co-worker that everyone has had a fling with in some way or another but no one commits to because she always has that moment in the relationship where she makes it too awkward too soon. Nevertheless, all of this drama led to not ONE but BOTH girls being left in the dust (literally) and Chris boarding the helicopter alone with his simple thoughts (soooo very simple).
Each girl handled the disappointment in their own way.
One parting thought… I’m not sure how many of you understand the importance of tradition, especially when it comes to a reality show such as this, however, there are basic principles in place when watching The Bachelor that must be observed and respected.
Using the term, “I don’t think he/she is here for the right reasons.” is one of those hallowed occurrences. And up until this week’s episode I was afraid we would never get to hear the holy phrase spoken.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank Whitney on behalf of the BFL for saying this phrase, thus cementing this season into the ABC history books. Whitney, you had no idea what you were saying, but we know your heart and you are definitely on this show for the right reasons. We thank you.
As it stands after Week 6, Chris & Tell still commands the lead. Despite losing Kelsey, on her way out she managed to provide quite a bit of crazy points. That mixed with Whitney’s staying power provided the points he needed to keep him at the top. Britt’s team is close behind just waiting for the final girl on the leader’s team to be sent home in order for her to reclaim the top spot. At the bottom, the tie has been broken and it found team Jenna on the losing end now trailing by 20pts. The middle doesn’t seem to be moving anywhere but where they are currently. Hopefully the family visits mixed in with a little Fantasy Suite action helps give them a boost in the standings.