Where do I even begin with this????
Recently, a video was shared with me of a guy that put all other nerds to shame. The stereotype mold was busted after they made him; fedora, long-sleeved tshirt underneath a short-sleeve tshirt, chain wallet, jincos and metal jewelry adorning his portly figure. Take a look for yourself…
Unbeknownst to me, this figure would end up taking a week of my life as I delved deeper and deeper into the interweb to try and figure out how/where/what/when this guy came about. And now since then, I have been quoting his hypnotic rhetoric for days now and cannot get it out of my head. It’s infectiously funny.
Now for what comes next, I have to ease you into very carefully and slowly because as I discovered more and more about this character my mind started to hurt to the point where I began questioning what was real. I know, you laugh now, but I’m telling you this is some Shyamalan territory we are about to enter into.
Let’s get started…
The first video is of Onyx in his most glorious form; answering questions from an unsuspecting gaming blogger at the E3 gaming convention in 2012. Her first mistake was relinquishing the mic to him for he is ONYX slayer of the BrightRealm who will not retreat once given quarter. Watch below:
- I dunno.
2. Like other worlds where your dad still sees you as his own.
3. Maybe I’m not Mark who works at Arby’s. Maybe I’m Onyx the Fortuitous slayer of the BrightRealm.
4. Not shaming myself in the basement getting drunk off tiny wines.
5. It’s like I fear death, but also I long for it.
6. You’re never alone if you’re in a line.
7. I dunno.
That was just a taste of what the world would come to know as Onyx the Fortuitous.
Next he descended upon Nerdist, which is like the Hydra of nerdom. And if you don’t get that reference then what are you doing reading this blog? They are involved in everything from TV, Film, Gaming, Music, etc. and Onyx decided to bestow his talents upon them, thus doing them a favor. He is given the chance to showcase his gift out in the field and he doesn’t waste a second of it.
Key Lines & Moments:
1. Neil Patrick Harris is a National Treasure.
2. Meoooowwww. Hugh Jackman Ya’ll.
3. Steampunk Gambit.
4. Ticklin’ Montage
5. The truth is I wished my dad cared for me more than he does, but he has a new family now two counties over.
6. Leg Sweep. Leg Sweep. Leg Sweep. Reverse Leg Sweep.
7. Bacon ain’t fakin’…..
Are you confused yet?
Intrigued just a little bit?
Don’t fight it. Trust me, and join me deeper down the rabbit hole. At this point in my journey, I thought he was only popping up on the gaming scene able to draw a laugh in this nerd sub-culture but ultimately just having a one or two great Youtube video run. That is until his reemergence into this world via the Detroit Local news during the unveiling of a Satanist statue (follow me here…).
You’ll want to see this:
Notice me Senpai…Notice Me!
My soul is at the center. Offered up to the ageless ones only to be torn in twain.
…valley of depraved habitual self pleasuring.
I didn’t take your mail Mrs. Pemberton. Stop asking me that. Leave me Alone.
Soak in all of what you’ve seen for a moment.
I should just leave it at this for you right?
Take one more moment for yourself……………
Are you ready for the best part?
The best part about all of this is that it’s a bit. It’s a made up character. I’m sure that you probably thought to yourself that it wasn’t real at some point, but the production quality and ways he kept showing up and talking had to have some authenticity to it right? The thing is ALL OF IT IS A BIT. GameSmash.com…. NOT REAL. “Your girl Tessa” is a fake. The Nerdist video was all staged because Onyx actually works for Nerdist. But the best moment out of all of this is the Detroit statue moment because that is a completely made up sketch. Notice how in the newsroom there is no station affiliate? @PriyaMann is definitely not a local Detroit reporter on twitter. It was all intercut with actual footage from the statue unveiling.
This might not be a shock to you, but believe me, it rocked my world. For an entire day, I went around quoting Onyx believing that somewhere out there this guy actually chose to wake up and dress like this, who had a dad out there in the world that loved his second family two counties over more than him, who deserved better, who for all intents and purposes was a real person. But something kept eating at me as I went back time after time rewatching his videos. I started to branch out and read some of the comments on his Youtube videos, google his name, look him up on Wiki, etc. and what I found out crushed me.
Onyx the Fortuitous’ real name is Andrew Bowser.
Here’s a better look at Andrew in his real element. (Warning: Some language)
Here’s another one of him doing an actual interview with a Comcast sports affiliate that is the result of a “Caps Rap” video that caught fire for Washington Capitals (hockey).